Trying to console someone when they loose a loved one is never easy. Every individual deals with loss differently and are almost guaranteed to go through phases of grieving. This piece is primarily focused on the loss of a child but in many ways can pertain to the loss of any loved one. I was prompted to write this not only because of the things we've endured with losing our son but because of the things I've seen others endure upon the loss of their loved ones. When my son, Chase, passed away there were a whirlwind of emotions that engulfed my entire being. We had an overwhelming amount of generosity, love, and support showered upon us by our family and closest friends. Those acts of love will be forever embedded in our hearts and memories. I will never forget family that supported us and the friends that rushed to the hospital to pray and hold my hand. Quickly, we learned who our dearest friends were. They are the one's who showed up when it wasn't necessarily convenient nor easy. It's just been over a year since Chase left our arms and went to Heaven. The Lord has been faithful to bring comfort to our hearts and we are forever grateful for even the brief amount of time that we got to share with Chase. I always said, our son did more on this earth in seven months than some do in a lifetime. His story continues to touch lives today. We are still counting the souls that have been changed and the grieving parents who have been comforted by Chase's story. Just recently, we had a young girl contact us and tell us how Chase's story is helping her to cope with the loss of her baby. Chase was a blessing in ways that only Neil, I, and God will ever know.
There are things that people can say or do to help grieving parents and there are things they should refrain from. Speaking from experience, sometimes silence can be the worst enemy. Silence can make someone feel alone or as if their loved one is forgotten. I understand that most people do this in an attempt to spare the person from pain but in fact the silence just causes more pain. On the other hand, I've had to endure things people have said wishing they would have just remained silent. It is always wise to think before one speaks because there are those cases where words can cause more pain than the silence.
While, many of the things said are meant to be helpful they can sometimes be very hurtful. What must be remembered is that when you encounter a grieving parent you are talking to someone who has been shattered. When a parent loses a child they loose their future as far as that child is concerned. Of course, as believers we know that one day we will be reunited but it still doesn't eliminate the immediate feeling that "someone is missing." This is not a time to try to figure out why these parents have to endure this pain. For they are too busy trying to figure out how they are going to get up the next day. It didn't take long for good, well meaning folks to say things that riveted my soul. It's difficult for me to write some of the things that have been said to us or that I've heard said to other parents who have lost a child. It's so unfathomable that I cannot bear to put them into permanently typed words. To think or verbally voice that someone deserves or brought such a loss upon themselves is insensitive. Compassion is the key to interacting with those who are grieving. From an earthly standpoint, Chase passed simply because his lungs didn't develop properly and were not going to develop. That's the best explanation the doctor could give us. From a spiritual standpoint, Neil and I have accepted that God had strategically placed Chase here for a specific purpose and he fulfilled that purpose and went ahead of us. The story of Job and his long-suffering is explicit in showing us that God sends misfortunes not just for sins. But that sometimes God will allow misfortunes even to the righteous for an even greater confirmation in goodness, for the shaming of the Devil, and for the glorification of the righteousness of God. The story of Job has been a huge comfort to Neil and I. Job is a story of a good man who loses all his children, property, and is afflicted with disease. His friends assumed that God always rewards good and punishes evil therefore believing that Job must have brought this upon himself through sin. What they didn't see was that God allowed the Devil to take from Job to test his faith (Job 1:9-12). Job proves to remain faithful to God even through such tragedy. In the end Job is restored to his former condition and with greater prosperity than before! God reprimands Job's friends for not understanding the meaning behind Job's suffering.
We serve a wise and awesome God who always WINS in the end! He is faithful to restore if we are faithful to believe.
Sending an invitation to parties is a wonderful thing to do for a grieving parent as to not make them feel excluded. However, it is probaly best if presented by telling the parent you understand if it is too soon to attend such an event especially if the loss has been recent and the event may intensify the grief. Sensitivity to holidays is especially needed. Take time to acknowledge that grieving parent on Mother's or Father's Day...they are still a parent. There were well meaning mothers who threw their babies into my arms thinking this would somehow help. I didn't have the heart to tell them it made me want to run for the nearest exit. There is an age factor that will trigger parents who have lost a child. Whenever, I see a child that is the age Chase would be I automatically think about who Chase would be at that age. I find it's a natural reaction for someone who has lost a child.
There are many things you can do to help a grieving parent:
Call or send a card to them on holidays or anniversaries pertaining to their loved one. Everyone, likes to know that their loved one was special enough to be remembered. The first anniversary of Chase's passing we received one card and I was thankful for it. No matter how many years pass that will always be their child.
Do something special in remembrance of their loved one. My husband bought me a beautiful bracelet engraved with Chase's name on it for Valentine's Day.
Be sensitive and above all understanding to their emotions especially in the early phases of grieving.
The main keys for helping a grieving parent are patience, love, compassion, remembrance, and sensitivity.
Be careful not to exclude them from events by not inviting them. Just personalize the invite so they know you understand if it's too soon for them to attend such an event.
Do what you say you are going to do. We had people tell us how they were coming to the hospital or bringing us food only to not show at all. This is very disappointing especially when you are grieving and searching for any support you can find.
Encourage the person grieving to exercise or perhaps join you in an activity that promotes exercise.
Allow others to talk about, remember, and honor their loved one in anyway they see fit. It's healing.
PRAY!!! Continually pray for peace, comfort, and healing.
~Our love and prayers to all who have endured the loss of a child or loved one. May you find comfort in knowing that through Jesus we will be reunited one day never to be separated again. May the peace, comfort, and love of our Heavenly Father be with you through the tough times. And, may the beautiful memories of your loved one live on in your mind and heart along with those who held your loved one dear. May any sadness that trys to find its way in be replaced with knowing that you had the honor of loving someone so beautiful!~
*We love you Chase- xo
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